I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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