Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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