how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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