i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
