I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
