OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it because I queefed?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
