if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
