i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
