just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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