Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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