insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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