dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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