I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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