Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
