i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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