The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
