Just took my morning after pill in the library
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
