remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
