Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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