like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
