i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
