you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
