My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Are we still banned from the library?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
