I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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