I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
