Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
