dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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