3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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