If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The adults are the big ones right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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