physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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