so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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