Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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