3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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