Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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