I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
