belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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