I hope mine doesn't look like that
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
