I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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