Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
