I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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