We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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