New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
