My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
