hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
