HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
