hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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