I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
