Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
