i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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