If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
