Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
