Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am available for nakedness
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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