i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
