he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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