So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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