Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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