i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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